===================================
i felt my life is suck (as usual)
but now it seems affect other people
and they didn't like it
i am emo, not competent, lazy, trouble maker..
and other bad habits that i have..
i know.. please.. i know that
and for the sake of my friend (people who i thought are friends...)
i try to repeat the same thing... change myself.. and synchronize my pace with them..
trying to understand them... trying to follow them...
AND WHAT I HATE IS UNDERSTANDING OTHER
WHO NEVER UNDERSTAND ME..
yeah.... it sound selfish...
and yes it is...
6 years.. i had friends..
and they backstabbing me...
they betray me..
they dumped me...
they leave me....
and still i try to trust them..
try to understand them..
try to stay as friend for them..
because i feel lonely...
and yet i still don't know the reasons why....
my place is somewhere between....
between my desire to life as my religion state..
and the freedom that i want to try
between my life.. and my death it self...
and some minor but crucial things are made big difference..
i study in a university far far away form my home..
once again alone... but this time.. i can be someone different..
i can leave my past and start my own new life... a new identity..
a new chapter to write....
i met new friends... and started to become a new person
but somehow.. somehow....i can't
i try to be myself.. and let people accept me as what i am..
i got friend and we understand each other..
our rhythm are same..
and i happy...
and past still trying to catch me..
i can't leave it.. not till i life myself alone...
i couldn't have new identity... not now...
and most of my friends.. the people that in my view are my family...
again.....
i tried to understand the people who never understand me...
change my life... and synchronize my pace...
but... when i just started to change... and thought that they can receive me..
the dumped me...
when i just start to believe....
i fell tired.. always like this...
i sold my soul my emotions.. to emptiness
i split my personality to protect my fragile consciousness...
so i can face any problem....
just friends that i have here...
and they are precious.. important...
but they never knew.... their place in my life..
and i feel..
cold . . . . .
cold . . . . .
cold . . . . . .
